My epilepsy has made me feel guilty doing the weirdest things. Like, things that no one would think could make someone feel guilty. Even things that most of the world would feel pride and accomplishment from doing. For example, I never thought that I would feel guilty going for a relatively easy run. However, when I had a seizure on a run the other day it was a different story. This made me ask myself if the reason I had a seizure was because of the run. Maybe I was dehydrated, maybe too tired or maybe I pushed myself too hard when I should have just rested. Maybe I should just not run. As someone who runs almost every day, I seriously debated if I should just avoid running from then on.
When the next day came to me I was in a serious debate if I should go for a run. Last time when I had a seizure I was running by traffic and could have been wandering around and putting myself in potential danger. When I was gaining awareness after the seizure I was completely lost, scared and confused. It is a really scary feeling after coming out of a seizure where you have absolutely no idea where you are and what you’re doing. It came with a lot of embarrassment of not only what happened, but what potentially happened as my mind was not there.
I felt pressure on my chest and my heart felt like it was fluttering. This was anxiety for sure. It is hard to accept I have to live with anxiety when I have always been an easy going girl who never thought this would be for me. I still decided to go for another run. It was not the longest or most fun run Ive been on. However, the feeling of getting home seizure free literally felt like I had a weight lifted off of my chest. It felt better then some of my hardest runs Ive gone on.
As I get older, there are more and more different types of situations that I have had a seizure in and start to fear. It is unfortunate. I won’t even be able to list all of them. I feel the temptation to one by one block them from my life. I associate them with the disappointment, embarrassment, guilt and fear that comes with having a seizure. This puts me at great risk for allowing my epilepsy to limit my life in every possibility,.
My Epilepsy may not be controlled but I am only going to allow it to limit my life as much as I have to. It is apart of me, but only a mere small part. I see my epilepsy as a barrier that makes me so much stronger when I overcome it. It is definitely not easy, but it is oh, so worth it. Don’t let your epilepsy dictate your life, simply let it give you obstacles to overcome and make you stronger. I honestly feel like I am lucky I was given a life with obstacles for I have so much more satisfaction and growth. If life was easy it would be boring. If I was given everything, I would not appreciate it.