Fools are Happier.

There is this famous philosopher named Desiderius Erasmus. He made this claim that fools are happier. This is because fools live in accordance to their true feelings and hold less fear. They have less fear over death and guilt over their doings because they do not have the wisdom to even grasp these concepts. They simply live a life that is sheltered from the hardships of reality.

I used to be completely oblivious to my epilepsy. I didn’t even know when I had seizures. To me, it was just a skip in time. I didn’t see myself as having a disorder that would hold me back in life. I was like everyone else. I still drove my vehicle around town. I miss these days so badly. I miss that feeling of not constantly fearing embarrassment or being sent home from work. I miss being able to stay up late with no guilt, nothing in the back of my mind. I was able to live in the moment.

I was having absent seizures but not letting it affect my life what so ever. I was not taking medications that are over $800 a month that literally change your personality, memory, energy and actual appearance (weight, skin etc.). I miss not knowing when I had a seizure. Maybe I was in denial and just ignoring it, but I miss this denial.

The more involved I become with my epilepsy, the less hope I have. It’s about listening to your neurologist say that your epilepsy is highly resistant and brain surgery might be the only option and actually accepting this. It’s about trying a medication over $800 a month and being told that you have around a 5% chance of it working… but 99% chance of the side effects being absolutely brutal.

You may think that accepting you have epilepsy is empowering and will put you in a happier place. I don’t know if it is true. But I do know that if I didn’t accept it I would be in a very dangerous place with no potential to overcome it. I feel like if I never accepted it then it would have came crashing down on me all at once. This would probably be when I got in a horrific car crash. It’s about finding a balance between foolish hope and reality.

Yes, I miss my foolish days greatly. Everyone probably misses when they were little and not aware of life’s constant struggles and disappointments. I still actively choose to be a bit of a fool. I still choose to have hope that I feel is quite foolish for me to have. But my hope is what keeps me going, it’s what prevents me from stopping trying. I choose not to address it with a completely logical and educated viewpoint for it completely take my hope away. I recognize when I have done too much research and am at the brink of having no hope left. My neurologist can have that pure logic and reason. I have chosen to mix my logic and reason with what some would consider- foolish hope. That foolish hope is going to keep me going until the day I die.

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